It was 6:30pm on a weeknight. I had just gotten home from a shift working with the kids at the school. Hinting so gently of nights descent, the early August evening sky cast deep pink light over the bay and into my 4th floor room.
You came over wearing that green hoodie with the patches, smelling like a campfire. Like a simple housewife, I had been anxiously awaiting your arrival and was honored to be graced by your presence. You were smiling, quiet and giddy like you were keeping all sorts of innocent little secrets from me.
I began to understand that you hadn't slept for at least a day or two, and were probably most likely nursing a hangover with the tail end of an acid trip. You were probably happy to see me, but probably more excited to be out of the elements and in a cozy room with a toilet and running water down the hall.
I didn't care about your motives. I loved you unconditionally. You had long ago began your descent into worm food status but my determination to explore unconditional, kept me blind to certain facts.
You see, it wasn't about how good or how bad you were. It wasn't about how many times and in how many ways you confessed your love to me. I departed on a journey to define my spiritual beliefs and somehow our lives were intersecting. That's all anything can ever be, right? An intersection of time and place, people and things. I don't know why I ever made such a big deal about your energy.
I was trying so hard to be the adult. I was trying so hard to play the role that you always felt guilty about avoiding. You swam in that guilt every moment as you raged through outlandish intoxicated acts, suffocating like a fish out of water in the sobering moments in between. “What the heck had you been doing while I was working?” I wondered.
Wired, you needed sleep and without much speech you crashed out on the bed on the floor next to the window. My rational mind had long ago given up hope on making this work. But my heart could never be rational without a good strong fight.
I didn't understand you. I never had. You had a way of loving and hating, so much, all within the exact same moment. It was like nothing I had ever seen or felt before. And now, here it was, all wrapped up in you. All that love, all that hate, shining so bright through your sleepy eyes.
I lay down next to you, my nose next to your cozy campfire scented hoodie. Our bodies were so close, I could tell your body temperature was probably about 10 degrees below normal. Our energies meeting and acknowledging presence, but like strangers, not connecting and simply existing in close proximity. It was like sitting at a bus stop, waiting for our journeys to take us in different directions.
